Three Cheers For Our Team, The
Other Team Sucks!
For
quite some time I have been puzzled by the role
professional sports play in this country. One can argue
that they serve as one of many "opiates of the
people", a useful tool for distracting the bovine
masses from the squalor and emptiness of their lives. To
the extent that society needs large numbers of morons to
flip hamburgers, clean toilets, teach sociology, and
serve as Novell Netware systems administrators this
argument has some weight. I however argue that a) in the
future most of these jobs will be done by microprocessor
controlled robots, or simply eliminated by superior
technology and b) it would be more beneficial for society
to re-channel the billions of dollars spent on the
professional sports industry into other
arenas.
To this end I propose a two-pronged
attack. First, through changes in elementary and
secondary school education, the focus would shift to
establishing scientists and intellectuals as role models.
Athletes would be held up to ridicule as hopelessly brain
dead mules that live a violent and brief life of utter
degradation. Second, through subtle ( and sometimes not
so subtle ) government manipulation, the various sports
that currently enjoy mass popularity would mutate to even
cruder, meaner, and more stupid gladiator contests,
insuring that only the dimmest of the dim would sit
for hours in front of the TV, spittle hanging from their
chins, a permanent glaze in their eyes.
Let's address the first phase of
the attack. This would be most successful in conjunction
with a properly administered government program of
genetic screening that limits allowable births to parents
possessing minimum IQ levels. Due to space limitations
this detail needs to be treated elsewhere. But keeping
this in mind, imagine a school curriculum without any
recess, exercise periods, or organized sports. The
brightest pupils would be rewarded with comfortably
upholstered seats nearest the teacher and extra portions
at lunch. The dimmest would be seated at the rear of
the classroom in rickety splintered desks and be given
just enough food to survive. After several bad report
cards, teachers would refer parents of such children to
government euthanasia centers ( tax deductible, of course
! ). If extra-curricular activities are deemed necessary
or desirable, they would consist of activities such as
chess clubs, rocketry clubs, mathematics clubs, etc. Some
of the most attractive of the dumber female
students would be retained as cheerleaders for
these teams. ( In addition, to serve society at large,
gorgeous females are bred on sex farms for the
enjoyment of top scientists and intellectuals ).
Imagine scantily clad gorgeous blonde
thirteen year old girls jumping and cheering at an
important chess tournament ! Now that's more like it ! Or
what about the winner of the nuclear physics exams taking
his pick of the school's most "hot to trot"
slut for fun in the back of the school principal's
Mercedes ? Now that's the kind of high school I wish I
could have attended.
For the second phase of the attack we
need to focus on the only 3 significant sports in this
country, football, baseball, and basketball. I propose to
make football unappetizing by increasing the level of
violence to totally ridiculous levels. For instance, any
offensive player who is tackled can be legally rectally
gang raped ( subject to offensive blocking, of course ).
Timeouts would not be honored during this activity, and
the rape would continue until the offense breaks up the
rape, or all defensive players have ejaculated. All
players would carry knives and be allowed to use them any
time the clock is running. Cheerleaders would be female
thalidomide victims, amputees, leprosy victims, or the
hopelessly overweight. Cheerleaders would engage in
such disgusting sideline activities as squirting
mayonnaise from their pussies, coprophagia, and dramatic
readings from the Internal Revenue Service
Code.
Baseball would be made even more
boring by having all games played in Death Valley. No
liquid refreshments would be available to fans or
players, save for a required massive dose of Nembutal and
Valium administered at the beginning of the game in a
glass of Koolaid. The dosage would be LD50, so that most
fans and players would die of overdose or dehydration.
The primary role of referees, who are exempted from the
pre-game dose, is to construct trip wires at amusing
locations.
The best way to sabotage
basketball is to make two simple rule changes.
The game must be played in a
court which is four inches deep in hot pig shit. The pig
shit would be replenished at each quarter from vast
propane heated storage vats. The depth would be just
sufficient to allow a clumsy sort of dribble and to
insure a rather slippery run down the court. 2) All
players must be clothed only in very scanty women's
lingerie and wear appropriate wigs and makeup,
including Lee press on nails.
The player voted "sexiest bitch" of the game
would win a free blowjob from Michael Jackson or a
12-month supply of heroin suppositories courtesy of the
Turkish Embassy. These two minor changes would, with the
possible exception of Dennis Rodman, make the game
unviewable to its largely brain-dead audience.
Who knows, maybe after a
generation or two our children would revere Albert
Einstein and John von Neumann, and laugh derisively at
such buffoons as O.J Simpson.
Later,
George
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