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Stress Relief for High School Aged Males by George Kranz, Ph.D. Francis Marion University as originally published in the Low Country Psychiatric Journal, February 2003. It is indeed distressing to hear, on an almost monthly basis of an occurrence of high school violence, usually involving a young male who has been shunned by his peers, using a firearm to take revenge on (possibly imagined ) tormentors or faculty. My proposed trial solution to this horrible problem is both extremely simple, cheap, and controversial. This country has an incredible reserve of untapped talent in the form of retired strippers and porn stars. What better way to put them to use than to use them as "stress relief counselors" in local high schools across the country ? As we all know the only truly effective, non-lethal way to reduce the violence level in young healthy males is to provide them with on demand unlimited opportunities for TD , i.e., "testosterone dumping". Picture the following scenario: one morning an astute teacher observes a couple of Neanderthal football players picking on a freshman, call him Arthur. The abuse is violent enough that Arthur is visibly shaken. The teacher reaches for a small belt clip radio and keys in *4 . In a few seconds 4 absolutely humongous security guards arrive and drag off the two football players using a double baton choke hold. They are brought back to the "Violence Aversion Therapy Center", or VAT-C as we call it. There, in a special sound proofed room, they are repeatedly kicked in the groin and face, then handcuffed to a wall and urinated on. If the two football players are repeat offenders, HIV positive fags are brought in from the city jail to butt fuck them. Back in the hallway the teacher writes out a two period hall pass that lets Arthur visit the "Stress Relief Center" or SRC as we call it. Arthur timidly knocks on the SRC door and a pleasant female voice calls out, "Come on in " . There he finds Nina Hartley kneeling on a sofa with her fantastic tanned butt poised in an irresistible pose. Nina looks over her shoulder and seductively asks Arthur, "Does your girlfriend let you fuck her in the ass ? " As Arthur stammers "N-n-no Mrs. Hartley" , his cock jumps in anticipation. Nina shakes her ass as Arthur unzips. After a dynamite butt fuck, Arthur relaxes on the sofa and Nina purrs in his ear, "Relax Arthur, I really enjoyed your cock in my ass. Sit tight while I suck your cock." After a killer blowjob Arthur saunters back out into the hallway, floating on cloud nine. The afternoon classes go by in a pleasant blur. Hell, he doesn't even listen to the "Nine Inch Nails" CD he downloaded to his MP3 player yesterday, as he stares out the window of the bus on the way home. It will be several weeks before the glow of his TD experience fades. Meanwhile, the football coach is working to restore the "fighting spirit" of the two perps after their gruesome VAT-C experience. At an off campus keg party for the whole team a busload of wheel chair bound mentally retarded youngsters is brought in. The two Neanderthals are given aluminum baseball bats and cheered on by their team mates as they bludgeon the helpless tots. Over the course of time a symbiotic relationship evolves between the SRC staff and the football program. For reasons of job security each group needs the other. The important thing is that students under stress from bullying no longer feel the need to vent their rage, and through repeated VAT-C and keg party exposure, the football morons learn to redirect their violent behavior to more socially useful purposes. Think about it, its a win-win situation.
Interim Counselor, Berkley County Asylum For The Criminally Insane
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