Kranz's Make A Wish Foundation


              

One of the greatest underutilized resources our country has today is the huge population of terminally ill adults. Of course, it must be horrifying to be diagnosed with a terminal disease, but in an odd way it also confers upon the patient a certain degree of freedom. For example, if such a patient has previously been shafted by a car dealer in town, he now has the option of leasing a sunroofed luxury sedan from them in June, driving it for two months without making a single payment, then parking it on a 100 degree day in August, having dumped 15 or 20 bushel baskets of hog intestines in thru the sun roof - have a nice day Mr. Dealer !  Or what about the ultimate "take this job and shove it" statement, the fantasy of every downtrodden worker in America - taking a huge shit on the bosses desk. Imagine your queasy boss having to call the Negro janitor in to clean it up ( "NO, its NOT my shit Leroy, just clean it up, damnit !" ). Yes, such a diagnosis is the passport to all kinds of fun and mayhem, but a serious problem still remains - the long term well being of the terminally ill patient's loved ones. This is where the Kranz Make A Wish Foundation comes in...

Certain foreign countries have long ago perfected the role of suicide missions - Omsala Bin Laden, fearing the Islamic world is about to be overrun by McDonalds and the Cindy Margolis Show, dispatches a couple of the faithful to bomb a U.S. destroyer; or the Hezbollah, bored by the Florida recount process, decide to suicide-bomb a commuter bus in downtown Tel Aviv. Why has the U.S. lagged so far behind in this game ? The goal of the Kranz Make A Wish Foundation is, in a nutshell, to facilitate the process by matching terminally ill patients with an entry on a list of people that desperately need killing. The specifics are as follows:

An internet site is set up with a descriptive home page. Each following page describes a target, the desired method of death, and the current bid amount. There are two buttons on each page, "I Accept" and "I Pledge". The latter button lets anyone contribute via the usual online credit card process to the total pool for this target. The first button is more serious - anyone who presses it is prompted for a barrage of information including 1) nature of illness 2) treating physician 3) executor of estate 4) home phone,etc. This information is verified and a face to face meet set up where an offshore bank account is set up with the appropriate procedures in place for the executor. If the target is executed according to web page instructions the executor is contacted to begin the transfer of wealth to the next of kin. The beauty of this plan is that its centered in a murder-friendly foreign country like Panama or Red China. Even the web site would  be hosted off shore. To quote Al Gore, "There is no controlling legal authority !". The terminally ill patient would be given any necessary training ( small arms, explosives, whatever ) and a painless overdose of heroin to be used after the mission is completed, in the event that he/she does not perish with the target.

What would a sample target page look like ? Well, a few examples come to mind... 

If the patient has ( or perhaps had ) relatives in Waco, Texas, he might get a chuckle out of this one.  Janet Reno is abducted and brought to the top of one of those endless Washington DC federal building stairways ( you know, one of those with zillions of four inch high and 18 inch deep steps that go nowhere in a hurry ). There she is duct taped to a wheelchair, soaked in gasoline, set ablaze then given a gentle push down the stairs. The bumpy and jerky ride down to the bottom would be quite comical, and might, if taped, even qualify for America's Funniest Home Videos.

Law abiding gun owners in New York State who are sick of Chuck Schumer's Nazi antics to disarm them will appreciate Chuck's potential demise. He is abducted, dressed in women's underwear, and handcuffed to a stop sign in the South Bronx late one night. A hand lettered sign that reads "Parole Officer" is tied around his neck. The body is discovered next morning bleeding profusely from the rectum with several hundred bullet holes in his head and torso. A fitting end to one of the great rectal leeches of current political life. Automobile enthusiasts might appreciate Ralph Nader's page. This script calls for a restored 65 Chevy Corvair to be driven to the Palisades Cliffs just north of the GW bridge on the Jersey side. There a handcuffed Nader is put in the driver's seat. The steering wheel is tied to straight ahead, the throttle blocked wide open, then the transmission shifted into drive...watch out Ralph, unsafe at any speed !  Easier hits include: Domino's Pizza delivery man with 5 lbs plastic explosive taped to his chest knocks on Bill Clinton's NYC office door; cross dressing Barbara Streisand look alike with 5 lbs plastic explosive in his bra knocks on Hillary's Washington DC home front door - er actually this might also work for Bill.
Anyhow, you get the general idea. So remember sports fans, when you see the site, be generous with your "I Pledge" buttons and help rid America of political pests...

George Kranz, UPI
Chaos Caverns, Montana