As the Presidential Election charade draws near, I find myself lamenting, yet again, the appalling lack of true choice. Nikita Khrushchev was once accosted by an American politico who cast aspersion on the Soviet electoral process, claiming that it was a farce since there was only one candidate for each post. Khrushchevs response was "Big deal, in the United States you have a choice between twiddle-dee and twiddle-dum." This was very possibly the only wise statement Khrushchev ever made. I propose the creation of a new political party, named simply "The Demented Party" . Its loosely defined core mission is to increase entropy in routine life and to encourage the suicide or complete mental breakdown of the terminally normal, 2 digit IQ, Lawrence Welk watching, egg hatching, vapid scumbags that hold our country back from its true nihilist Dadaist potential.

In this, and probably one or two more articles, I shall propose and expound upon sample legislative proposals to be pushed by a Demented controlled Congress.

In no particular order:

1} All postage stamps would be available in only 1 cent denominations. Postal meters are to be banned outright, along with postage paid envelopes. All postage stamp machines would accept only penny coins. Postal clerks would sell stamps, but the clerks would be meticulously selected for revolting personal characteristics e.g. advanced leprosy, uncontrollable rubbing of their genital regions, discharge of purulent vile fluids from nose, mouth, eyes, or ears, frequent projectile vomiting, etc. All post offices would be open only on prime numbered days of the month ( 2,3,5,7,11,13,17,19,23,29, and 31 ). Envelopes grow to ridiculous sizes ( requiring even more "oversize envelope" postage ! ). Homeless people would be bribed with unsafe Taiwanese manufactured generic controlled substances to affix postage stamps in poorly ventilated rooms where Shostacovitch, or The Village People are played at deafening volume. It would be a YMCA KY-Jelly drug overdose good time.

2) A new ISO certification rating ( ISO 606024 perhaps ? ) would be established. The rating is awarded to companies that use exclusively Greenwich Mean Time. The certification process would entail an exhaustive examination of internal company documents, policies, publications, etc. to ensure that any and all references to time of day are in Greenwich Mean Time ( GMT ). This would for example include employee working hours, delivery schedules with outside suppliers/customers, advertising, and payroll. Soon, federal legislation restricts all federal government contracts to ISO 606024 companies. Of course, any subcontractors are required to follow suit. Next the FCC and FAA force all broadcast media and airlines to tow the line. Think of the ensuing hilarity as morons in Boston who are unable to fathom a lunch break starting at 17:00 GMT jump off buildings, blow their brains out, or otherwise improve the gene pool.

3) Any readers of this site who a) are halfway familiar with New Jersey state politics and b) are unfortunate enough to have to occasionally drive the NJ Turnpike must surely have wondered what retarded shit-fuck was responsible for naming the rest stops and fueling stations along said highway. I mean, does the average motorist really know who the fuck Clara Barton or Joyce Kilmer or even Thomas Edison was ? I propose renaming all rest stops and fueling stations after major Mafia crime bosses. What about the Carlo Gambino rest stop or the John Gotti fueling station ? The areas could be decorated with tasteful dioramas of said Mafiosos career, and small gift shops could sell trinkets, bumper stickers, etc. commemorating same. If nothing else this would give out of state visitors a more accurate picture of the states cultural and moral ethos. Perhaps California could follow suit with highways and bridges named after serial killers ? I mean even I might visit the cesspool of LA for a chance to ride on the Charles Manson Freeway. ( Im on the freeway of love in a pink Cadillac.....)

4) Speaking of driving, I think the Federal Interstate Highway system is largely a waste of the tax payers dollar. In an age of smart bombs, stealth bombers and fighters, it is no longer needed for its original purpose ( to facilitate the movement of infantry and light armor for national defense purposes.). Today it needlessly encourages the lower classes to drive about visiting their trailer trash relatives and furthering the disintegration of America into some hideous Albert Speer/Sam Walton/Smegma Burger fucking wasteland. I propose that the Army and Marines train demoltion squads by having them practice on critical ( but not super expensive ) sections of the Interstate system. Little or no advance warning is provided the motoring public who find "All traffic must exit here" signs popping up with disturbing regularity. At the end of the exit ramp they are met by buff crewcut State Troopers engaged in open air wanton homosexual orgies. Any tourists stupid enough to stop and stare or ask directions soon regret the error of their ways.

Ou well , enough action items for now. Later dudes /gk