Andy Griffith Meets The Future
A brief introduction may be in order for some of our younger
readers. In the early/mid 1960's one of the more popular mainstream prime time
TV shows was a relatively innocuous number named "The Andy Griffith Show".
Set in the fictional town of Mayberry NC, the show portrayed the mildly
comic antics/mishaps of a small town's political/social institutions,
usually focusing on the police department headed by the amiable
Sheriff, played by Andy Griffith. His dim-witted assistant is Deputy Barney
Fife. The town barber/gossip control point is a goofy character named Floyd.
Oh, and Andy lives with his Aunt Bee and son Opie. So much for the
major characters. From an artistic standpoint the show is, of course,
completely forgettable, yet it offers a brief glimpse into an age/locale where the
average citizen did not need to lock his doors and shooting a prowler
with the trusty family 12 gauge shotgun did not automatically generate
a press conference by the NAACP.
As pleasant as the old reruns are, I think the show needs to be
re-invented for the years 2000 and up. This is a pilot for a new show
to be entitled "Andy Griffith ME". ( Millenium Edition ).
Episode One: Public Housing Blues
The episode opens on a bright sunny morning in Mayberry. Sheriff
Taylor is thumbing through the mail at his desk in the Police Dept.
when he is interrupted by a frantic Barney Fife running through the doors
from the street.
"Andy, Andy, you just gotta do something ! This is awful, just
awful."
Andy looks up from his mail with a grimace and asks, "What is it
now Barney ?"
Barney blurts out, "Well you know that new housing project they
built on the other side of the tracks ?"
Andy looks bored and says, "Yep, I heard they just finished it."
Barney gets his typical conspiratorial pose, and leans in close to
Andy and out of the side of his mouth says "And I suppose you know who
they movin' in there right now, even as we speak ?"
Andy tosses the last of the mail in the trash and nonchalantly
replies, "Oh probably just some big city nigger crackheads."
Barney chuckles till he realizes Andy has hit the nail on the head,
and screams frantically, "Well, yeah thats what I mean. We gotta do
something. This is just awful."
Andy looks up at Barney and says, "Don't worry. Take the police car
over to Goober for an oil change, would'ya ?"
Barney throws up his hands and hurries out.
Andy mutters to himself, "Well, reckon I'll get a cup of coffee."
Before he can make it out the door, the mayor bursts in and bellows
at Andy, "Just where do you think you're going now ?"
Andy evenly replies, "I was just going over to the diner for a cup
of coffee, care to come along ?"
The mayor, even more irate, says "No I don't and furthermore I
think you have more important things to do right now than taking a
coffee break."
Andy, puzzled, asks "Like what ?"
The mayor, in a tone of righteous indignation says, "On my way
to the office this morning I passed a group of Nigras drinking beer
on the street corner and making obscene comments to people passing
by. Just what do you intend to do about it ?"
Andy thinks for a while and says, "I got an idea."
He goes over to the desk and picks up the phone and says to
the operator "Clara, get me the Mount Pilot police department please."
After a slight pause he asks, "Chief Wilson ? . Hi, this is Sheriff
Taylor, listen Chief, is that offer to borrow your department's
German Shepherd still good ? You know, the one that does that
special trick ? Good, good, I'll be up directly to pick him up."
Cut to Sheriff Taylor and the mayor returning from Mt. Pilot
with a not very aggressive-looking German Shepherd in the back seat.
The mayor expresses his reservations about the dog, "I dunno, Andy
he doesn't look like a killer to me."
Andy says, "Now just you wait and see Mayor, this dog knows
a real special trick."
The mayor points out the windshield and says, "Look, they're
still there drinking".
Andy says, "Listen up, you pull over right here and I'll get
out with old Luke. You just sit and watch."
The mayor parks and Andy gets out of the mayor's car with Luke on
a leash and calmly walks up to the group of Nigras. "Now boys I'm
gonna have to ask you to move on and drink your malt liquor on
private property."
One of the group drains a 40-ounce and throws the empty in the
street. "Yeah ? Sez who honkie ?"
Andy evenly replies, "Well I say and I'm the sheriff."
The Nigra replies, "Yeah muh'fuh and I bets that yo' attack
dog." The others laugh as Andy says, "Well I tried to warn you."
With that he releases Luke's leash and shouts, "Nigger nuts Luke !"
Luke lunges for the crotch of the Nigra and clamps down with a death
grip on the man's testicles, growling and shaking his head back and
forth. Amid the Nigra's screams the others flee in terror. The
mayor walks up and Andy says with a wide grin, "Say mayor lets
get us a cup of coffee while old Luke has some fun with the Nigra
here."
Later that afternoon Andy is sitting with the barber Floyd on
the bench outside his barber shop. Floyd is rattling on about his
new unwelcome customer base, "And another thing Andy these darn
burrheads wear out my clippers something fierce, I've gone through
four sets of blades today ! And these hairstyles they come up with,
I mean what in tarnation is an eraserhead cut ?"
Andy replies, "Well Floyd, I guess you're just gonna have to
pick up some stainless steel blades and learn a little about the
Nigra hairstyles." Floyd fidgets a bit and stares down at the
sidewalk. In short order Aunt Bee comes waddling by and greets
Andy and Floyd.
After a few comments on the weather and such she blurts out,
"Andy, you just have to do something about these Nigras in town."
Andy replies, "Now Aunt Bee, I've explained all this to you
before, the Fedral Government wants all little towns like Mayberry
to have the benefits of an indigent, drug addicted minority
population in the interest of cultural diversity."
Aunt Bee scoffs and replies. "Benefits ? Do you call this a
benefit ?" She hands Andy a small bag saying, "I found this in
Opie's school bag just an hour ago."
Andy opens the bag and says, "Let's see here. One crack
pipe and one 20 dollar rock of crack. Well I'll be damned if
I'm gonna put up with this. When Barney brings back the patrol
car I've got a call to make."
Cut to later that evening as Andy is driving the patrol car
down a lonesome dirt road. He pulls up to a run down house with
a heavy, surly character on the front porch drinking from a
Mason jar.
Stepping out of his car, Andy waves and calls, "Howdy Pete."
Pete eyes Andy suspiciously and asks, "You ain't found one
of my stills have yuh ?"
Andy laughs and replies, "No Pete, I've got a business
proposition for you. Are you still Grand Dragon of the Klan in
these parts ?"
Pete even more suspicious now, says, "Yeah. Why ?"
Andy makes a show of looking around for any eavesdroppers
and answers, "Well, suppose I kinda ease off, I mean ease way
way off your stills for one year, could you do me a big favor ?"
Pete thinks for half a second and grins, "Sure Andy, what
you got in mind ?"
Andy climbs up on the porch and says, "Lets talk a spell."
Cut to early next morning in the police station where
Andy picks up the phone and says, "Clara, get me the Goodyear
Tire shop in Mt. Pilot please." After a brief pause he says,
"Sherrif Taylor here in Mayberry, Goober here says the new
tires for our firetruck came in yesterday, I'm gonna follow
the truck up to Mt. Pilot. We'll leave it overnight and I'll
take the fireman back with me.......Good, good, so long now."
Cut to later that evening as Andy, Aunt Bee, and Opie
finish supper. Andy scoots his chair back from the table,
complimenting Aunt Bee on the peach cobbler. "Opie",
he says, "lets go down to the town square, I do believe
there's gonna be some entertainment tonight."
Opie's eyes light up as he asks, "Gee pa, what kinda
entertainment ?"
Andy grins and says, "Well I don't know exactly, but
I hear its gonna be a big show."
Cut to the bench in front of Floyd's barber shop where
Andy, Opie, and Floyd are relaxing. Floyd says something to
the effect of "Well, another quiet night in Mayberry" but
stops short and points to Andy and blurts out, "Andy I do
believe there's a fire on the other side of town."
As if on cue, Barney runs up out of breath and says
to Andy, "I gotta call the fire department, the public
housing project is up in flames."
Andy shakes his head and explains to Barney that the
town's firetruck is up in Mount Pilot for repairs.
Barney asks, "Well, did you call the Mt. Pilot fire
department for mutual aid ?"
Andy, looking bored says, "Yup, they'll be here in about
two hours, give or take."
Barney, still upset, exclaims, "Two hours ? Well everybody
above the top three floors will be dead by then !" .
Suddenly Barney cottons on to the general scheme of things,
chuckles and says, "Well you know that old truck needed tires
bad. Goober told me that the belts were showing on one of the
rear tires."
Just then three or four residents who managed to escape
the inferno at the project come around the corner on bicycles,
pedalling furiously to get out of town. Seconds later an old
Ford pickup truck rounds the corner with a few Ku Kluxers riding
shotgun in the truck's bed. Seven or eight rounds of buckshot
later the bicyclists are lying dead in the road as the pickup
roars by with the occupants hootin' and hollerin'.
Opie looks up at his Dad and says "Cool, Pa !".
Floyd gets a particularly goofy expression on his face,
and says to no one in particular, "I haven't had this much fun
since Bobby Kennedy got shot !".
Andy grins and says to Barney, "Say Barney, when the
Mt. Pilot fire department gets here, would you meet'em and do
all the paperwork ?".
Barney, ecstatic to be trusted with the job readily agrees.
Andy puts his hand on Opie's shoulder and says, "Well boy,
lets go back home and finish off that peach cobbler."
"Sure thing Pa !", Opie exclaims.
Cut to theme music and credits................
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